Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
