Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
