That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
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