Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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