How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
