I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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