Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
