They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
