oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize