Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
