i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
