i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
