I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
