just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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