I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
My dick has a subreddit
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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