Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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