I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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