Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
