Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
