I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
