Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize