Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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