So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
