Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
