Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
