All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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