my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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