$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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