You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
