the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
