Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
