If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
