First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
