I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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