I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize