remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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