She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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