Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
