Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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