I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
