I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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