Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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