Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
