The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
