Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
