The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Why are your pants in the freezer?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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