you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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