the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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