I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
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