my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
