remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
