I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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