Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
