If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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