how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
