So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Randomize
