OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
