You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
